AsiaFortress Cup 17 - Division Three Team Thoughts and Preview

 AsiaFortress Cup 17 - Start of a New Year

joshchap u better back tf up off those div 4 12vs or im finna murk u - signed by space, jub, mickey, LeGO, ruee, 2345y, drae, calypso, Alpy, Flam, hezzy

It's a new year, so that means there's a new season of AsiaFortress. It's been quite a long time since the end of PURE League's third season of the ever-so prestigious Open division, (almost five months - where are the medals Rustic?) and this season of AsiaFortress brought in a huge influx of new players and new teams. This has also meant the birth of a new division - aptly named Division Four.

While I've been someone who loved covering Asia's lowest division, the outlook is looking grim for the new Division. I literally don't know 90% of these players, and know none of the teams or how their scrims have been going. Quite a number are out-of-region or Indonesian, which means they can only be dogshit or worse. If Division Three is the "monkey division", then Division Four is the worm-division. As such, I'll only be writing a blog on Division Three since I have the most experience analyzing these players and the Div-3 ways of the monkey division.

Team Power Rankings and Previews

As the season is about to start, I decided to make a small guide to Division Three for new players and unacquainted viewers.

Nord VPN - The Adventures of Bufo & Co.

stand and denigga - memories

Here we have a wonderful team full of a bunch of wildcards. I'm only acquainted with a few of these players, and am most knowledgeable with Bufo. Now, saying that, I don't know much about Bufo, only knowing that he was Yang Ciao's DOGSHIT demo sub back in PURE S3. His Demo skills by now could have improved, or they could have even declined, but Bufo seems to be hearing the call of the Philippines and adopted the medic class. I have no opinions on Bufo, aside from the fact that he should probably grind Duolingo English classes instead of Tier 2 Demo jumps.

Memories is one of the players I also know, but only because he probably looks like that kid from the Polar Express. (He got banned from OzFortress for saying the n-word.) Sky & Dip are also players I have heard of, and judging from their profiles they are either twins, a gay couple, or both. To conclude, I don't know anything else about them, aside from the fact that they got fucking RAPED by j0e.

NotReallyGood - The Little India of Division 3

What about the NotReallyGood Captain? I don't know, man - h4rry

NotReallyGood (commonly referred to as NRG) used to be one of the most diverse teams, not just in their division but in all of Asia. With the Japanese-American medic/scout of Mickey, Mongolian Scout Submarine, Pakistani Demoman Meth, Filipinos Drae and Aria, Thai Scout Goggy, Indonesians Buh and Mytrle Chinese-Singaporean Emonemo, and Malaysian Slair. This team was a huge inspiration to civil rights activists with their inclusion of every race and nationality on their roster. But this has changed.

Suddenly, NRG has had a massive refugee crisis of Indians. Rubyks, Ninja and Chipsy are all on this team and here to stay. Why are there so many Indians on this team? They aren't even good! Anyways, this team was always the underdog, but they were also the final boss of mid-div 3 mediocrity that teams always had to fight to extend their misery-filled lifespans in Div 3. With the deportation of all the shitters into Division 4, NRG's run in Division Three is looking rocky, but with the help of the Indians they may be one of the dark (literally) horses in this season of AFC.

NRG's Achievements include:

2nd Place UGC Steel S33

Tied for 6th with TerraTakers & Yang Ciao PURE S3 Open

One Player in Honorable Mentions and another in Top 5 Medics in the previous S3 Blog

Giving D4LE depression

anmi face syndrome - Reading Specialists with more Specials

Don't simp  for suomi - mtndrew

Reading Specialists was one of the victims of PURE League's unfortunate adminstratorship. In this season, finally placed in the proper division they have now been reborn as "anmi face syndrome", picking up star Demoman acesty and Intermediate 2nd place Soldier ukk. Though they have lost of their most valuable assets in Poeyy, the team is looking like a smoothie of amazing talent and smelly turds. 

I am definitely looking forward to the development of this team. They could either crash and burn as usual, but third time's the charm and this season is their third season. (UGC doesn't count.) Though their scrims haven't been going too well, they definitely have potential with confident maincaller GunGuy and one of the most promising orphans, mtndrew. I wish them good luck in scrims and matches to come.

Ascension - Psychology Majors Wannabes

I don't know bro, I just remember playing against him, Raina. He was alright. Average. Nothing special I guess. - space

Ever since OzFortress's High Division was won by an almost full Asian team composed of Sir9, space, LERL, Smily, cezyse and 2345y; I can't imagine the shame the Australian country felt. A region they always looked down upon, when Psychology Majors came in and destroyed them, it must've been an embarrassment for all Aussies around the world. Now, Asia has always had OzFortress players and teams coming in and out, but this season we have three Australian teams. 

This team is probably the biggest Psychology Majors wannabes since its composed of apparently five (5), OzFortress High players and one OzFortress Intermediate scout. I don't know anything else about this team, supposedly they aren't all that but I don't care enough about white people to write anything more about them. All these crackers from jail nation should go back to the outback desert and stay there, Asia is the better region now.

Jamal E-Sports - The Return of The King

#freemyboy yoshiSZN, he ain't do nothin - Everyone in Division Three with common sense

The campaign has finally paid off. Jamal Crawford, yoshiSZN is not banned from AsiaFortress and can play this season of Division Three. With a new revamped roster of Raven Chads, this team is another mix of talent and shit akin to anmi face syndrome. yoshiSZN is one of the biggest threats in Division Three, along with Takuto (the best medic in Division Two pre-season) and GreenShaDow, one of the biggest shotgun-wielding threats on Blackwonder Badlands spire. Meat also is a competent scout and supports his team very well. However, Vurki and SteRhyP_ are some fucking weird soldiers. No presence on the map and shit jumps are the essence of these two.

Everyone on this team aside from yoshiSZN, Takuto, Meat and GreenShaDow was Novice, is Novice, and will continue to be Novice. The two Mongolian players are on this team, so you know they will be mongs. Most of these other players should be in Division Four, but I'm not the one making the weird pickup choices. Overall, this team looks like a solid team with a lot of potential. Though I'm not sure how they will do in the season, I don't know how well they will do.

jumperGANG - China Number One

Our team is the first ever team in the fucking world that have a no comms demo. Our demo is rank 4 but can't airpogo. - hellstarry

I am not part of this team but I have more Tempus points than this whole team combined even though they are jumpergang. - Vice, Rank 2 Demoman and Rank 21 Soldier on Tempus

jumperGANG is THE jumper team. While PURE S3's top roamers were dominated by jumper mains (vice, moonchild, hellstarry, dax, Spud) or ex-jumpers (Varien), this team took the high placements last season to heart and filled their entire team out with jumper mains. (except for dril) This team is characterized by their good DM, amazing bombs and fast-paced and aggressive playstyle. Aside from dax and hellstarry's malding habits and Kanda's extremely suspicious aim, this team is looking like a very strong team.

Overall, this team's looking strong with the mute cunt/prodigy of Cander. The only question I have for them is why they put the strongest players on either medic or sub. Why is the racist 14 year old rager Deceptive (and probably the best player on the team) on sub? Why is Comby, the King of bball and stupid flick shots that shouldn't hit on medic? Their English skills are also questionable. Dax, hellstarry, diu lei lo mo.

과학 유치원 - China Number One 2.0

I can't read Chinese 2.0 so I don't know anything about these kids, so that's all I have to say about them. They're either the best team in the division or the worst. I have nothing else to say about these k-weeb fap fuels sooooo yeah.

j0e - The Other Australians

j0e is one of the other teams filled with poms trying to find more land to send their prisoners too. Sorry guys, Asia's already got its own refugee problems. (see NRG's India problem) However, j0e's different in the way that they're probably the best Australian team so far; they don't have any racist bigots on their team (see memories), they're not full of High players thinking they can pound in Asia, and they are actually a diverse team. (they have the hot girl mal on their team (please call me))

Nothing else to say about them. They beat the other Aussie-infested team really badly. Again, could be the best team or the worst team.

Fossil Burger - skyzz26/02/2021 can i get bikers role

Can I get Bikers Role? - skyzz

Skyzz's star-studded team is filled with Division Three staples like:

1. Highlander Main and Carnival-Hater saint

2. Hellstarry's Brother Skyzz

3. Ex-Saru.sbr Boy-Toy Vera

4. The best player in the division ozy12

5. Korea's Public Enemy #1 and Gook Destroyer#2237's nemesis Sedna

This is one of the biggest threats of all of Division 3 right now. ozy12 came fourth in OZF29's High after a disappointing tie against DeDstar and getting destroyed by "hungry i eat all day". He's potentially the best player this season with his prestigious record in OzFortress. Sedna is another one of the team's headliners, being the most hated player in the notoriously toxic Korean community. After dodging the military draft, Sedna decided to spend all of his saved service time being a dick to everyone and pissing off all his teammates. He's also a big-time offclasser/thrower, always going sniper or spy in the PURE S3 IM grand finals. Saint is also on this team, placing in the top 5 demomen for Open last season, characterized by his ability to hit all his pipes and miss all his stickies.

That's it. That's the team. Nobody else matters because they suck. 

love how you play <3 - Abusement Park Remix

love how you play ❤ - fany

Abusement Park placed fourth in PURE S3, though they really should have been third. (RSL, you guys don't deserve that third place medal. (That still hasn't arrived for 5 months. @rustic wya?)) When I heard Abusement Park has survived the devastation that the stupid playoff seedings had brought upon them, I was overjoyed. Flam and the gang had put together a new team, rounded off by solid players xdstalememes, Effixion, mickey, ayako and Gale, they looked to be a new Division 3 superteam. Shining diamond Khronus and flank scout Toxic (a.k.a. 99) rejoined, and Abusement Park started pounding. Then, the dream team shattered into pieces. The fallout that followed broke the timeline with the many events that trailed this event:

1. Mickey got picked up by Top 3 Div 2 team Catbus Squad, followed by getting picked up by Wolf Pack (ethan why)

2. Khronus quit

3. ayako became a full-time jumper main

4. Flam became a highlander main

5. The Koreans slowly started climbing their way from High-Div 3 to beating Xiao recently

6. Carnival merced for Xiao (why)

7. Hojiborn hasn't been banned yet (ruee why)

8. Australian players got lost and found themselves in Asia

9. Vice (the only player keeping Kater in check from global Tempus dominantion) quit 6s and wants to quit jumping

10. Takuto joined Jamal E-Sports after Catbus Squad died

So when I found out that the remnants of Abusement Park had survived, I was thrilled. With long-time mentor Clashe (previously one of the best flank scouts in Division Two), Fany reformed the team with new pick-ups Varien (ex-RSL roamer), Pepelord (ex-Krankenwagen sub) kron (Top 3 Flank Scout last season and Division 3 winner) and Aaron (ex-RSL pocket), the team is looking stronger than ever. So, that's it.

Power Rankings

0. jumperGANG (with their best possible roster with Deceptive and Comby on their mains)

1. j0e

2. love how you play <3

3. Ascension

4. jumperGANG

5. Fossil Burger

6. 과학 유치원

7. Nord VPN

8. NotReallyGood

9. anmi face syndrome (tied for 9th)

9. Jamal E-Sports (tied for 9th)

Players to watch out for

Deceptive - Sub for jumperGANG

Deceptive placed second on the top 10 overall list for PURE S3, and it looks like he's going to continue playing in Division Three with all his gay, toxic, jumper friends. Deceptive is a player that really shines in the unorganized shitfest of Division Three games through his great DM ability and brilliant bombs on soldier and demoman. His scout is also very good, consistently spearheading his team's pushes and fragging out.

Overall, Deceptive would be a huge threat to any team jumperGANG goes up against if it weren't for one thing: hellstarry's garbage leadership choices. This team decided to put arguably their best player on sub when he would probably do better than any of them on any class. Hopefully Deceptive gets time to play this season, it would be a shame for jumperGANG to get participant because they didn't use their greatest strength.

Comby/Hera/Combustion - Medic for jumperGANG

The King of Asian Bball, Comby has been for a long time one of the best jumpers in the world. Although he's Singaporean but gets 50 ping, Comby has great DM and amazing bombs. However, he's also suffering from the same predicament as Deceptive where he's being wasted away on a useless position. Why Hellstarry decided to put his team's best players on medic and on sub is beyond me, maybe he was dropped on his head as a young child. It actually makes me so mad that a few crackers from kangaroo-land might win the beloved Division Three because jumperGANG isn't using its best roster. But who am I to say anything? I don't have a specialty in ASD.

Cander - Demoman for jumperGANG

I thought Alpy was a mute cunt, but wait until you hear about Hellstarry's new Demoman - Cander. Cander, as of writing this, is currently the fourth ranked Demoman for jumping in the world. Whether he got it through skill or triple-pre is questionable, but the facts are that Cander has great DM and amazing jumps on both Demoman and whenever jumperGANG decides to be a bunch of toxic retards and put Cander on soldier. BUT, there is one flaw with Cander's playstyle - he doesn't have a mic. 

That's right, the center of jumpergang's team doesn't have a mic to call his damage. What a fucking retard. Although mute cunts are all quiet people, they still call and call when people are on them. When there's a scout rushing Cander, he can't do shit about it except double pipe the scout or something. Fucking retard mute Demoman with a retard playstyle, Cander is the Indonesian spiritual successor to Alpy. 

Clashe - Medic for love how you play <3

Two years ago, Clashe used to be one of the best scouts in Division Two. Then, he went MIA. Flash-forward to now, and he's resurfaced, a changed man. Though still a bit rusty mechanically, Clashe has retained his gamesense and is currently playing Medic with his Abusement Park friends. Of course, if you've noticed a pattern with Comby and Deceptive, I am doubtful if this is the right choice for mute cunt #2 Fany's team. Overall a solid player, but could be better if he wasn't Singaporean. 

Varien - Roamer for love how you play <3

Varien is the King of Muslim weeaboos. Decent DM, okay-ish bombs but good gamesense and timing is the definition of Varien on roamer. As one of the loudest squeakers in Division Three, Varien is Dril's (or drae? I can't tell the difference between them) estranged boyfriend. Anyways, this guy is relatively decent at the game, maybe...actually he might be shit but I'll leave that up to you to decide. I'll keep my opinions about the Muslim Terror to myself until the season ends.

Toxic - Pocket Scout for love how you play <3

Toxic is the same person as Varien, except edgier and weeby-er. Toxic has some good DM, and was a great flank scout last season. It seems to be that his skill flank scout transferred over to his pocket scout, since he seems to be doing very well right now. That's it. It took me all my strength to write two entries in a row on these two Mosque-lovers so you won't be seeing any more of these edgelords in this post.

yoshiSZN - Demoman for Jamal E-Sports

yoshiSZN is the namesake of Jamal E-Sports, and got banned last season for allegedly hacking because Rustic feared too much. He's got really good DM on Scout, and seeing the pattern of scout-mains playing Demoman its very likely his pipes are insane. However, he's from a literal wasteland (Mongolia) so that's -10 good player points. Imagine going from having the largest land-empire in all of history to getting raped by Chinese soldiers. That's what's likely to happen this season, yoshiSZN getting raped by Hellstarry and Dax, but everyone should fear this guy going into the season.

Takuto - Scout for Jamal E-Sports

The other good player on Jamal E-Sports, Takuto used to be one of the best Medics in all of Asia. Now he's washed up and has his bags full of sand. Overall, he doesn't seem to be doing too well on scout right now but he's got potential. If you're a weeb, you should fear this guy since he's a real Japanese person so don't trip over yourselves at the sight of a REAL Japanese person. He'll judge you all for your shitty Japanese names and fake Steam profile country when you are actually from a third-world country. 

Acesty - Demoman for anmi face syndrome

Acesty is one of those rare Filipino gems that ISN'T a med main. (shocking) He was Roamer for Yang Ciao in Season 3, and is now playing his main class on a team that is way below his level. His playstyle consists of baiting his team and eating heals up like an Australian at a McDonalds. (Maccy D's for the rednecks) He does a lot of damage though, and has really good DM for his division. Watch out for him.

ozy12 - Demoman for Fossil Burger

ozy12 is probably the best player out of all the Australians that are playing this season. He's an OzFortress High player. Fourth place in IM PURE S3 after getting carried by Fez and Zias. Don't know anything else. Good DM, assumedly has good gamesense since he played OzFortress High.

mal - j0e

hot girl (hot girl)

meowsh - jumperGANG

meowsh is constantly getting bullied by members of jumpergang. - meowsh

not so hot girl (still a girl tho)

There's a few other players that are good but I don't know enough about them to write anything. Here they are:

ukk

Chipsy (if he's not washed up)

Joey

Fruit

Kron

And that should be it. There's just one last thing to do, which is the REAL ranking of how good your team is:

English Skills Power Ranking

1. j0e - they are Australian. As such they can speak perfectly fluent English if you count dropping "cunt" in a sentence every three seconds as fluent English. No accents, no nothing. Put them first since they have a hot girl. 

10/10 English

2. Ascension - again, also full Australian. No gender diversity that I am aware of though so they're here. 10/10 English

3. anmi face syndrome - GunGuy and Hero can speak perfectly fluent English as they're from Hong Kong, while mtndrew and cj31 both have a very slight and mild Filipino accent. Gale can speak fluent Engish with a slight Indian accent. Acesty has a very full-on low-class Filipino accent but can speak English with a large vocabulary. I don't know about everyone else. 

8/10 English.

4. NotReallyGood - Gabe can speak perfect English with a international student accent, while Shane speaks perfect Australian English. Chipsy and Rubyks speak almost accent-less English, and h4rry speaks decent English with little accent. Fruit has a very heavy Acesty-like accent. 

7.5/10 English

5. Jamal E-Sports - yoshiSZN, Takuto and submarine speak perfect English. No accents, nothing. Everyone else has Singaporean/Canto accents, which sound ugly. GreenShaDow's English is low-tier. 6.5/10 English

6. love how you play <3 - Flam speaks 99.8% perfect English, and Aaron speaks decent English but everyone else has pretty ugly low-class accents. They can still speak decent English with large vocabularies, but bad accents.

5.5/10 English

7. Fossil Burger - ozy12 speaks perfect Australian English but everyone else has pretty horrendous English.

5/10 English

8. jumperGANG -  Dril speaks perfect English with the trademark high-pitched screaming pinoy accent. Comby and Deceptive speak good English with non-dirty accents. Cander gets an automatic 0/10 rating since he doesn't speak. Everyone else's Engish is dogshit.

4/10 English

9. 과학 유치원 - Koreans cannot speak English.

2/10 English

10. Nord VPN - Lots of Australians on this team, who all have 10/10 Australian accented English. Memories has a weird dialect which uses a lot of n-words though. Still good English. You might be asking then, why is this team full of Australians so low on this English-level tier list? The answer is simple. Bufo. Bufo might be able to scrape together a few sentences in English, much better than the Koreans but he is so unintelligible that it drags the entire team down here.

Thanks for reading, watch out for future blogposts including:

MVPs of the season at Week 4

MVPs of the season at Week 8

Top 4 on every class at the end of the season

Top 10 Overall, Honorable Mentions, Final Power Ranking and Reflections at the end of the season